8 Years

Eight years ago today at 3:38 am, my life changed forever.  My sweet baby Alex was born.  Once again, if you would like to read my story click here. 

I just had to write a few words expressing my thoughts and feelings about today.

Every year, my heart is full as I replay the days around February 11, 2002.  I play over and over again my labor story, and how I was so scared.  Then, my heart gets full with thanks as I think about Susan and her amazing support to me at that time.  I really don't know how I would have done it without her.  I felt her love as she was there with me.  I then remember the phone calls to my family and to the birth father, informing them that I was in labor.  I could just hear the panic in their voices to get to me, 

777 miles away.  

I remember details, like hearing the anesthesiologist say that "It only stings little bit...like a little mosquito bite" in his Asian accent, and then thinking that he must have never had an epidural because it sure as heck hurt more than a measly mosquito bite!

I remember calling the Gibbs, knowing that they were in town to drop off Joel at the MTC.  I called and woke them up and Julie and Jamie came down to the hospital late at night to show their love and support.  I feel that it was such a blessing to have them there at that time.  Thank you Gibbs, for ALL of your love that you showed me during that time.

I remember the nurses telling me that I should try to get some sleep now that I had an epidural.  I slept for maybe an hour until they came in to check me.  Then all of a sudden I was at a 10 and ready to push.  

I was so overwhelmed by everything.  I knew that within minutes I would be holding a precious little baby, who I wouldn't get to take home with me.  Would I still love her?  

38 minutes later, I would have my answer.  I had never felt a love like that up to that point in my life.  It was incredibly overwhelming and amazing all at the same time.  I knew that the special spirit that I held in my arms was sent to change many lives.  Not only mine, which desperately needed rescued, but she would bless the lives of her soon to be parents, and all those who she would know and love. 

I then replay the few days following.  Having my family and the birth father meet her and also be able to feel that undeniable love for her.  Watching my parents fall in love with Alex was a beautiful and heartbreaking experience.  They never once ceased to show their love for me.  I thank them for their strength and support for me at that time.  

Then, getting to meet Shannon and Andrea, Alex's parents, who are two of the most wonderful people that I have ever met.  I will NEVER forget how strongly I felt the Spirit that day testify to me that Alex was indeed their daughter.  My love for them cannot be expressed in words.  

Spending time in the hospital with Alex was priceless.  I didn't want the minutes to tick by because I knew that it meant that I would soon be going home without her.  We spent our time holding her and placing thousands of kisses on her tiny cheeks.  The night before placement, we all wrote letters to her.  I remember thinking how on earth I was to express my feelings to her on paper.  It was nearly impossible, but somehow I managed to write about 2 1/2 pages.  I have a copy of that letter and it is so precious to me to be able to go back and read.  I hope that someday she will read it and get a tiny glimpse of what my heart was feeling at the time.  

February 13th, 2002 came.  Day of placement.  I remember getting her all ready.  I remember having Monica (my counselor/case worker) come in to tell me that Shannon and Andrea were there.  

That last hour does replay in my head over and over again.  That time was also very special to us all.  

I have more details in my written out in my story from May 2009.

I then replay the walk down the hall, and opening the door to tear-filled eyes as Shannon and Andrea embraced me and Alex.  It was such an emotional experience.  Never in my life have I cried so hard.  At the same time, I was so happy for them.  They had waited so long.  

Around this time every year, I also reflect upon how far I have come.  Eight years ago, I was a broken 19 year old girl who desperately needed my Savior's Atonement to heal me.  He did.  I thank my Heavenly Father everyday for that blessing.  

Eight years ago, I didn't know what my future would hold.  I just knew that I couldn't wait to experience the joy of finding a worthy Priesthood holder who could take me to the Temple so that we could have our own eternal family someday.  Five years ago, the Lord blessed me with that amazing man, who did indeed take me to the Temple.  Knowing that I was worthy to be there was an incredible feeling.  Again, it was because of the sacrifice of my Savior, Jesus Christ.

Then a little over 3 years ago, our very own baby girl blessed our home.  She was an amazing gift.  It was so wonderful to get to experience all of that over again, this time, knowing that it was good, and that we would get to take her home.  

And, about 1 1/2 years ago, another little spirit blessed our home.  This time in the form of a boy. We love him more than we ever thought possible!  

Today, eight years later, I am a 27 year old woman who has experienced a lot.  I am stronger because of the trials that I have been blessed with.  Like I have said before, it was THE HARDEST thing that I hope to ever go through.  I do know that without a shadow of a doubt that she is where she is supposed to be and it absolutely was the best decision that could have been made.  As I was healing I remember thinking how proud I wanted to make Alex, so that she too, would some day feel deep in her heart that the right decision was made.  

So, to you my dear Alexandrea,  HAPPY 8th Birthday!  This one is a special one.  I think about you EVERY SINGLE DAY and I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW!!!