12
It has been a very long time since I have last posted. Very long. I have so much catching up to do, but I need to write about a very special little girl and the fact that she is turning TWELVE today. I first wrote about my story here. If you have no idea what I am talking about start there. Read my story. It was the first time that I really shared my story out in the open for the whole world to read about. Five years later, so many things have changed. I have changed. We have added 2 more beautiful boys to our family. We are blessed beyond what we could have imagined. Today, I will be thinking about Alex all day and I will play the events over and over in my head for the next few days.
Alex is twelve today and that blows my mind. Sometimes I feel like that experience was something that I just lived and other times it seems like forever ago. But, I can't help but continue to ache for her and ache for that relationship that I so dearly dream about having with her someday.
Last year, I found out that Alex's parents got a divorce. I was DEVASTATED. There are no other words to describe exactly how I felt. I cried and cried when I read the letter from her Mom, explaining it to me. I was angry and felt betrayed. I couldn't help but think, "Why on earth would I give her to a family who would end up broken if I could have kept her in my own broken family??" I was angry that she had to deal with the consequences of her parents' choices. My heart broke for her. BUT, I kept going back to how I felt when I placed her with her Mom and Dad. I KNEW without a shadow of a doubt that it was the right decision. I was able to control that decision at that moment. I gave her something better than I could have ever given her. I gave her TWO loving parents who loved her and loved each other at the time. On February 13, 2002, I relinquished my control as her Mother. I knew that I did, but I didn't realize how much that would hit me when I found out about their divorce. I could not control her trials in her life. That was a very difficult realization for me. I thought that I was giving her the best and with that came the very naïve thought that she would be eternally happy and not have any problems. Of course, I know that that isn't the truth, but there is something that you feel when you give your child to another. You tell yourself over and over that she is going to the best possible place for her. You CONVINCE yourself that she will be much happier with them than she would ever be with you. You then BELIEVE that there is no other better option for her. And there wasn't. I can't deny the feelings that I felt during those days that were the darkest of my life. Somehow, that precious baby girl brought such joy to my life. Those moments that I spent with her are sacred and I can never forget them. I have said this before and I will say it for eternity. Alex blessed my life beyond comprehension. Placing her for adoption was THE ABSOLUTE HARDEST thing that I HAVE EVER done. I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy. It isn't natural to give your own to someone else, but the Lord had a plan for her. He had a plan for me and He had a plan for Shannon and Andrea too. All in the right timing, we were there for each other. And now, we are intertwined for eternity.
I don't really have a relationship with Alex yet. Someday I know that I will. I just have to be patient. Her Mom is wonderful and emails me photos and updates of her. I smile from ear to ear reading about how well she is doing and what a beautiful person she is inside and out. I think about her every single day. I will never stop thinking about her. She is a part of me.
Because of that experience, I have a deep conviction of my testimony of my Savior Jesus Christ, and my Heavenly Father. I know that their love for me is real. I could have never gotten through that experience without that knowledge.
Twelve years ago, I made the hardest but best decision that I have ever made. I gave Alex her life.
And in return, she gave me way more than she will ever know. Because of her and the decision that I made, I now have this:
(This was taken about 2 years ago. I should get recent photos soon.)
Alex is twelve today and that blows my mind. Sometimes I feel like that experience was something that I just lived and other times it seems like forever ago. But, I can't help but continue to ache for her and ache for that relationship that I so dearly dream about having with her someday.
Last year, I found out that Alex's parents got a divorce. I was DEVASTATED. There are no other words to describe exactly how I felt. I cried and cried when I read the letter from her Mom, explaining it to me. I was angry and felt betrayed. I couldn't help but think, "Why on earth would I give her to a family who would end up broken if I could have kept her in my own broken family??" I was angry that she had to deal with the consequences of her parents' choices. My heart broke for her. BUT, I kept going back to how I felt when I placed her with her Mom and Dad. I KNEW without a shadow of a doubt that it was the right decision. I was able to control that decision at that moment. I gave her something better than I could have ever given her. I gave her TWO loving parents who loved her and loved each other at the time. On February 13, 2002, I relinquished my control as her Mother. I knew that I did, but I didn't realize how much that would hit me when I found out about their divorce. I could not control her trials in her life. That was a very difficult realization for me. I thought that I was giving her the best and with that came the very naïve thought that she would be eternally happy and not have any problems. Of course, I know that that isn't the truth, but there is something that you feel when you give your child to another. You tell yourself over and over that she is going to the best possible place for her. You CONVINCE yourself that she will be much happier with them than she would ever be with you. You then BELIEVE that there is no other better option for her. And there wasn't. I can't deny the feelings that I felt during those days that were the darkest of my life. Somehow, that precious baby girl brought such joy to my life. Those moments that I spent with her are sacred and I can never forget them. I have said this before and I will say it for eternity. Alex blessed my life beyond comprehension. Placing her for adoption was THE ABSOLUTE HARDEST thing that I HAVE EVER done. I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy. It isn't natural to give your own to someone else, but the Lord had a plan for her. He had a plan for me and He had a plan for Shannon and Andrea too. All in the right timing, we were there for each other. And now, we are intertwined for eternity.
I don't really have a relationship with Alex yet. Someday I know that I will. I just have to be patient. Her Mom is wonderful and emails me photos and updates of her. I smile from ear to ear reading about how well she is doing and what a beautiful person she is inside and out. I think about her every single day. I will never stop thinking about her. She is a part of me.
Because of that experience, I have a deep conviction of my testimony of my Savior Jesus Christ, and my Heavenly Father. I know that their love for me is real. I could have never gotten through that experience without that knowledge.
Twelve years ago, I made the hardest but best decision that I have ever made. I gave Alex her life.
and this:
I couldn't have asked for a better ending.
Happy Birthday my sweet angel, Alexandrea. I love you more than you will ever know.
"She is mine in a way that she will never be hers, yet she is hers in a way that she will never be mine, and so together, we are motherhood."
~Desha Wood
Comments
I just went back and cried my way through your story again. I can't possibly imagine how difficult that walk down the hall must have been. I am SO proud of you and the example you are of strength and faith. You are no ordinary lady, my friend! I love you very much. Thanks for sharing your story. Helps me remember that with Him, we can do all things.
xo