My Story--10 Years
I have many titles, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, etc. I cherish all of those titles, and try to be the best that I can be in each of those areas. But, a title that I hold very dear to my heart is the title of "Birthmother". Almost three years ago, I came "out" to the world that I was a Birthmother. Close friends and family knew, but I wasn't ready to be so open about it yet. I finally felt I was ready, and wrote my story HERE. Please feel free to read it. It is a long one, but it is the whole story.
That was three years ago when Alex was seven. Now she is TEN! I have changed a lot in ten years. I am so much more open with my story. I am proud of the woman that I have become and the decisions that I have made in my life to follow my Heavenly Father. I don't care who knows my story now. If they hear it from me, then it is told the right way.
Today is Alex's tenth birthday!! Whenever her birthday comes around, I have so many mixed feelings. Mostly good feelings. My whole day is filled with thoughts about what happened on that day in 2002. I replay things over and over and over again. I think about my family, who supported me fully. I will NEVER forget the love that they showed me during that difficult time for them as well. I think about the Smith's who I lived with for a short time while there in Utah. I say a short time, but it felt like I was there for a LONG time and they are now my family. I love and cherish them dearly. I think about that tiny, 6 lb 15 oz baby that I held in my arms, and loved beyond comprehension. I think about meeting Shannon, her adoptive father, a big, strong man who was really a huge teddy-bear. I knew INSTANTLY that he would be an amazing Daddy to Alex. I think about Andrea, her adoptive mother, who is a petite, beautiful woman. I could see in her eyes the pain and relief all at the same time. They had been trying to have babies for seven years. I could mostly see in her eyes the amazing amount of love and gratitude that she had for me. I think about the overwhelming feeling of the Spirit that I felt on that day when I met them for the first time. It was like I had known them forever. I KNEW with all my heart that I was making the right decision and that they were indeed Alex's parents.
I then think about the next two days of holding, crying, loving and kissing her cheeks over and over again. I think about not wanting to fall asleep because I knew that I wouldn't be able to hold her again after I "placed" her in their arms.
Mostly, I think of the experience as a whole. I think about the love that I felt from my Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ. There were angels surrounding me during that time to hold me up and help me to keep going. I think about my Savior, and the Atonement. He gave the ultimate sacrifice. He was THE ONLY way that I was able to turn my life fully over to my Heavenly Father and to be fully forgiven. Going through the repentance process was hard, but in the end, I felt PURE JOY. JOY that can ONLY be felt when you are doing what the Lord wants you to do. Sure, I was still sad at times, and I still cried over the fact that I had just given my baby to someone else, but I had hope. Hope that someday I would have babies of my own, to call my own. Hope that someday I would meet Alex again and hope that someday I would be able to form that special relationship with her.
I don't ever regret for a moment the decision that I made ten years ago to place Alex for adoption. I knew that it was what was best for her. I am so thankful for her parents that the wonderful people that they are. I don't ever doubt for a moment that they aren't doing the very best job that they can do to raise her.
Almost 5 years ago, I was able to see Alex. It was one of the greatest days of my life. I haven't seen her since then, but I know that someday I will get to again.
Adoption was a bit more 'closed' ten years ago. It has changed a lot since then, and has become so much more open. I think that I placed at the exact, right time for me. I needed some sort of closure at the time. Of course, now I am wanting things way open, but they live in Utah, and I live in Washington which makes things a bit hard. Also, we have decided to wait until Alex is a bit older to fully make that decision on her own.
Over the past year, I have felt immense guilt because I hadn't written to the adoptive couple and never sent Alex anything for her birthday last year. I had just gone through being so very sick and I was still going through a lot of surgeries and healing. I know that I had some good excuses, but I still felt that she was going to start having bad feelings for me. I was scared. I was scared that she wouldn't want to hear from me, or talk about me. I was so wrong.
I finally sat down to write them a few weeks ago. I poured out my heart and my feelings about the past year. I told them that I was afraid. Andrea wrote me back quickly to make sure that my feelings were put to ease. She told me that Alex talks about me all the time and whenever she asks questions, they answer her. They have kept everything that I have ever sent, or written her. Alex still has the gifts that I have given her over the past years. Andrea assured me that when Alex is a bit older that she will want to see me again and form that relationship that I desire.
She then went on to tell me what an amazing little girl she is. She is a great big sister. She is also an athlete! Woo Hoo! :) She is involved heavily in dance because her Mom is a dance instructor, and she is also in Tae Kwan Do! She is doing very well in there also. She is a well-rounded little girl. It is so fun to hear about her, to try and get some sort of idea of what she is like. I am thankful for Andrea. I love reading those letters and seeing those pictures.
That was three years ago when Alex was seven. Now she is TEN! I have changed a lot in ten years. I am so much more open with my story. I am proud of the woman that I have become and the decisions that I have made in my life to follow my Heavenly Father. I don't care who knows my story now. If they hear it from me, then it is told the right way.
Today is Alex's tenth birthday!! Whenever her birthday comes around, I have so many mixed feelings. Mostly good feelings. My whole day is filled with thoughts about what happened on that day in 2002. I replay things over and over and over again. I think about my family, who supported me fully. I will NEVER forget the love that they showed me during that difficult time for them as well. I think about the Smith's who I lived with for a short time while there in Utah. I say a short time, but it felt like I was there for a LONG time and they are now my family. I love and cherish them dearly. I think about that tiny, 6 lb 15 oz baby that I held in my arms, and loved beyond comprehension. I think about meeting Shannon, her adoptive father, a big, strong man who was really a huge teddy-bear. I knew INSTANTLY that he would be an amazing Daddy to Alex. I think about Andrea, her adoptive mother, who is a petite, beautiful woman. I could see in her eyes the pain and relief all at the same time. They had been trying to have babies for seven years. I could mostly see in her eyes the amazing amount of love and gratitude that she had for me. I think about the overwhelming feeling of the Spirit that I felt on that day when I met them for the first time. It was like I had known them forever. I KNEW with all my heart that I was making the right decision and that they were indeed Alex's parents.
I then think about the next two days of holding, crying, loving and kissing her cheeks over and over again. I think about not wanting to fall asleep because I knew that I wouldn't be able to hold her again after I "placed" her in their arms.
Mostly, I think of the experience as a whole. I think about the love that I felt from my Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ. There were angels surrounding me during that time to hold me up and help me to keep going. I think about my Savior, and the Atonement. He gave the ultimate sacrifice. He was THE ONLY way that I was able to turn my life fully over to my Heavenly Father and to be fully forgiven. Going through the repentance process was hard, but in the end, I felt PURE JOY. JOY that can ONLY be felt when you are doing what the Lord wants you to do. Sure, I was still sad at times, and I still cried over the fact that I had just given my baby to someone else, but I had hope. Hope that someday I would have babies of my own, to call my own. Hope that someday I would meet Alex again and hope that someday I would be able to form that special relationship with her.
This is the journal and necklace that I sent her for her birthday this year.
Here she is, ten years ago.
This photo was taken moments after I had her. I couldn't believe how much I loved that little baby. It was amazing.
My mom and dad were so supportive. They also had a really hard time. I am so thankful that they were able to be there with her.
It was very hard for me to see my parents like that. This was the first time I had seen my dad really cry. It broke my heart.
This is a HORRIBLE picture of me, but it was the day of placement, so I wasn't in the best emotional state. This is Andrea and Shannon. I love them so much!
Placing Alex was the HARDEST but absolute BEST decision that I have EVER made.
Doing this:
Gave me this:
And this:
And this:
And this:
I don't ever regret for a moment the decision that I made ten years ago to place Alex for adoption. I knew that it was what was best for her. I am so thankful for her parents that the wonderful people that they are. I don't ever doubt for a moment that they aren't doing the very best job that they can do to raise her.
Almost 5 years ago, I was able to see Alex. It was one of the greatest days of my life. I haven't seen her since then, but I know that someday I will get to again.
Adoption was a bit more 'closed' ten years ago. It has changed a lot since then, and has become so much more open. I think that I placed at the exact, right time for me. I needed some sort of closure at the time. Of course, now I am wanting things way open, but they live in Utah, and I live in Washington which makes things a bit hard. Also, we have decided to wait until Alex is a bit older to fully make that decision on her own.
Over the past year, I have felt immense guilt because I hadn't written to the adoptive couple and never sent Alex anything for her birthday last year. I had just gone through being so very sick and I was still going through a lot of surgeries and healing. I know that I had some good excuses, but I still felt that she was going to start having bad feelings for me. I was scared. I was scared that she wouldn't want to hear from me, or talk about me. I was so wrong.
I finally sat down to write them a few weeks ago. I poured out my heart and my feelings about the past year. I told them that I was afraid. Andrea wrote me back quickly to make sure that my feelings were put to ease. She told me that Alex talks about me all the time and whenever she asks questions, they answer her. They have kept everything that I have ever sent, or written her. Alex still has the gifts that I have given her over the past years. Andrea assured me that when Alex is a bit older that she will want to see me again and form that relationship that I desire.
She then went on to tell me what an amazing little girl she is. She is a great big sister. She is also an athlete! Woo Hoo! :) She is involved heavily in dance because her Mom is a dance instructor, and she is also in Tae Kwan Do! She is doing very well in there also. She is a well-rounded little girl. It is so fun to hear about her, to try and get some sort of idea of what she is like. I am thankful for Andrea. I love reading those letters and seeing those pictures.
Happy Birthday my sweet Alexandrea. I think about you every single day of my life. I love you more than you will ever know!!
My friend, Desha Wood, who is also a birthmother, wrote this, and I think that it is the perfect quote.
(I changed the pronoun to "she". Desha had a boy)
"She is mine in a way that she will never be hers, yet she is hers in a way that she will never be mine, and so together, we are motherhood."
~Desha Wood
My friend, Desha Wood, who is also a birthmother, wrote this, and I think that it is the perfect quote.
(I changed the pronoun to "she". Desha had a boy)
"She is mine in a way that she will never be hers, yet she is hers in a way that she will never be mine, and so together, we are motherhood."
~Desha Wood
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